


Intern Kevin's Diary

by Odamaki



Series: Intern Kevin [1]
Category: Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: A big hot mess, Crack, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Embedded Images, Fandom Meme, Gen, Gore, idek, yuck - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 12:51:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12726951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Odamaki/pseuds/Odamaki
Summary: Moriarty has a new Intern. Hijinks ensue.Chapter 1: In which Kevin arrives in London, Meets his neighbours, and starts job-hunting.





	1. Entries 01 - 04

**Author's Note:**

> So way back in the depth of the Great Haitus, around 2014 or so, someone on Tumblr pointed out some of the bungling daftness associated with the plots of Jim Moriarty - the selection of a blind woman as a hostage, the gun sight trained on a big empty wall- and said 'it's like he let the new intern Kevin have a go'. 
> 
> Fandom went lololol, and my brain went 'ping!', having been primed with a lot of Welcome to Nightvale. The sideblog KevintheIntern was created, detailing some of Kevin's exploits getting hired by Jim's crew over, with Thurdayj's contributions as Moran. This 'fic' is the collection of those blog posts. 
> 
> There isn't really a plot. I'm gonna warn you now; unless lightning hits twice, it's unlikely that any more of these will ever be written. But here it is for safekeeping, archived for those who loved to lol at Intern Kevin and his determination to be the Best Employee Ever for Mr. Jim.

 

* * *

**_Diary Entry 01_ **

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Oh, how excited I am! I can hardly express how very happy I am today. Do you ever have those moments where you wake from a deep, deep sleep and think, ‘Hello world, I just_ know _I’m going to have a wonderful day!’_

_That’s the kind of day it is. Just wonderful._

_What’s that? Just what makes today so special?_

_Well, diary, it’s because today is the day I finally leave for London and I can’t wait. I can’t explain just how much I’m looking forward to it. Imagine! Me- in a big city. A city of culture and life. A city with people in it, like me, from all over the world. A city with lights, and places to go and things to talk about._

_A city with news._

_Community events._

_Oh, doesn’t that just sound delicious? ‘Community events’. It just brings up images of, oh, picnics and company fun days and times spent just being… jolly._

_Things here are so serious all the time, and troubled. I guess I am too. Serious, and troubled._

_Serious trouble._

_Try saying that out loud- yuck! I don’t even like to think about it. If you ask me, we should just take the word ‘serious’ and the word ‘trouble’ right out of the dictionary. Wouldn’t that just be better?_

_Well, diary, I guess it’s time for me to go and start packing. I’ve got a lot of things I need to move and take with me, and i’ll never get it done if I don’t start catching them all now- ha ha!_

_Wish me luck!_

_Goodnight, diary. Goodnight!_

* * *

  **Diary Entry 02** _  
_

* * *

_Hello, Diary!_

_Well, I’m here- London! It’s really nice. Like-wow! How can I even describe it?_

_Everything is so old and beautiful here. You really feel like things have happened here. Old things and interesting things. Maybe sad things too but hey, who thinks about that?_

_I have a place to stay, diary. From my window I can see the sky between the walls of the buildings all around me and the cables that cross between them and the flashing lights of the sign over the Nando’s, and the very still birds that like to sleep on next door’s mezzanine. They’re always sleeping there. Ha Ha; it must be nice and cool in the shade. I like my window, diary. It feels nice and cosy, all snuggled in with the other buildings._

_There’s a man who lives next door. Sometimes we both get up early and he’s at his window and I’m at mine and sometimes I can see him walking around his flat and usually he can see me in my flat too. That’s when he does fun signals with his fingers, and I do them back and it’s such a good laugh. What a nice guy!_

_I hope we can get to know each other better._

_Maybe he likes history and music too. Maybe he can show me more of London._

_Wow!_

_In other news, i’m looking for a job. Of course, nothing too committed, but as always, diary, I am a firm believer in working hard and hard work. That’s the best way to get along in life and just because my visa says I should just kick back and take it easy with all the other holiday makers I say, ‘No way, visa! I’m a productive member of society wherever I am!’_

_Keep your beautiful beaches, Britain. Keep your spectacular domineering mountains. Keep your Night Clubs. Keep your dusky vales. I mean it! Especially that bit about the mountains._

_Pffft. Mountains. Am I right? Totally overrated._

_I mean to work._

_Work and smile._

_So I better get some good rest in before I go hunting tomorrow._

_Goodnight, Diary. Goodnight!_

* * *

  **Diary Entry 03**

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Well, today I began looking for a job. There’s all kinds of work in London; in offices and stations and in the streets and the parks._

_I could work in a dog park, maybe, with all those adorable animals._

_Or i could work on the roads; making holes, filling holes, wearing one of those hoods against the fresh rain on my face as I smile at the cars as they pass me by._

_To be honest though, diary, I think I want a job where I really get to work with people. I’d like to be part of you daily life, London- I want to be out there to say ‘Good morning! How’d you sleep?’ and ‘Goodnight, London. Goodnight!’_

_But i’m not sure what kind of job would let me do that._

_It’s a little hard to decide._

_I found out something about my neighbour though, diary. I went past the door to his apartment building; the one around the corner and had a look at the name labels. There are four people living there in different apartments- oops! I mean ‘flats’!- but I’m pretty sure he’s in number 13 and his name is Moran._

_Well, I mean, I’m certain. I checked._

_I had to climb up the fire escape and look through the windows to be sure, but yep, there he was! I smiled at him but this time… he didn’t smile back. He just rushed off into the kitchen. He looked kind of sweaty._

_I bet he was just working out. He seems like the kind of guy who’s very into healthy living and making sure he does enough exercise. With all this rain, I think jogging inside your apartment is probably a good idea._

_Don’t overdo it though, neighbour! You looked pale_

_I’m thinking, diary, that maybe I need to be more neighbourly. It’s common, right, to pop round with, oh i don’t know, some kind of baked good or something to say ‘hi’. I’m not a great cook, but I could probably manage a pie. I should do that. I should take him a pie and say hello properly. That’s the right thing to do. And I think, diary, that’d be a really good chance to show some cultural sensitivity, because of course, back home you’d probably think to take an apple pie or something but over here the pies have meat in them._

_Meat! Crazy right?_

_Yep, diary, i’m going to do it. I’ll look up a good recipe for a soft meat pie right now. Gee, i’d better make a list and head out too look for ingredients._

_Goodnight, diary. Goodnight!_

* * *

  **Diary Entry 04**

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Today seemed like a beautiful day in this neighbourhood and a beautiful day for a neighbour, so i decided to try out that pie recipe I found and went to go call on Moran, you know, the guy next door._

_Last time he didn’t seem to appreciate my appearing at his window so I took the door this time; cultural differences and all that. I wrapped the pie up so it would stay nicely warm- not hot, not cool, just about body temperature- and knocked on his door._

_He seemed really surprised to see me, diary. Like really surprised! maybe he doesn’t get many people visiting him._

_Though i’ve seen a few guys go into his flat before and then… i don’t know. Come to think of it, i don’t think i’ve ever seen anyone leave again. Maybe he’s got friends moving in with him or something. There’s been a few noises like they’re moving furniture and then stuff in big boxes comes out of the flat sometime later._

_Oh, i know! I bet he’s refurbishing. They must be his builders._

_Anyway, i figured if he were that busy, he’d really appreciate a pie, right? Like i said, he was…pleased. I’m going to say pleased.  He looked at the pie and then he was speechless. Then he kind of looked at me in a strange way and said, “Kevin?”_

_See, we’re friends already! He knows my name!_

_“Sure!” I told him. “That’s me, I’m Kevin!”  
_

_“But Kevin is…hasn’t got…” He said and then stared away into the distance for a moment. He was so moved, diary. This is clearly a man who needs more home baking in his life. More of a friendly community touch.  
_

_“How,” he muttered, “How…?” so I shared my recipe with him and I think he was impressed. In return, he showed me a knife, and then a bigger knife, and then a gun. It’s part of his collection or something? They were pretty cool, diary.  
_

_Anyway, after showing me his knives and how they worked, and then his gun and how it works, he calmed down a lot- social anxiety gets to us sometimes- and we had some pie and an interesting talk about things to do on Sundays, and places to walk, and which of our friends have the best smile. He has a friend named James, who he seems really fond of. That’s so nice. I hope I get to meet him. Then I came home early because he said he felt a little sick._

_He gave me a card when I left though. Something about a job. I’m so happy, diary; a new friend and a possible job all in the same day. See? Doing nice things for people really pays off!_

_I’m going to go and call ▒ ▓ ▤ ▥ ▦ and tell them all about it!_

_Goodnight, diary! Goodnight!_

* * *

**Stolen Newspaper Clipping 01**

* * *

 

 

[(1) Credit to CC LLC](https://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com) 

* * *

  _ ** _Corrupt Audio 01_**_

* * *

 

_[Trans c r  i  p    t: あｐりｌ 214t’h ÔÓÌÍÒ]]]]]_

_00:02:_

_(barely audible crackling)_

_00:10:_

_(A high pitched whistling noise)_

_00:16:_

_Hello? Can you hear me?_

_00:18:_

_(Sharp angry buzzing that peaks and fades repeatedly.)_

_00:20:_

_Hello? Hello? Oh! Hi, there! Can you hear me now alright?_

_01:30:_

_It’s been a while since I called you. It’s a shame you weren’t able to answer the phone but luckily, you remembered to sign up for answerphone service. How useful modern technology can be._

_01:40:_

_I’m enjoying London. I’ve got a good place to stay and I can see wildlife right from my window, though it doesn’t do very much. I’ve also met my neighbour. He’s really helpful; just the kind of thing you’d expect from a good neighbour. I bought him a pie and, in return, he’s helped me find a job. Well, nearly.  Here, let me read you the advertisement._

_01:55:_

_Ok, so it says, ‘Interns Wanted,’ right at the top in big, solid letters. It looks pretty fancy, I can tell you, and there’s a picture of some kind of bird. I can’t say for sure what sort of bird it is; it’s black and white. Maybe it’s a penguin… Anyway. It then says, ‘Consulting Criminals LLC’- that’s the company name. I had to check some of the words there, but I’ve discovered that ‘consulting’ is all about talking and hey- I’m great at that. I talk all the time! I’m talking right now, even!. The next word was trickier, it’s either some kind of Mesopotanian first name, or it’s some kind of portmanteau of the French ‘cri’ meaning ‘cry’, ‘min’, well obviously that’s the language, and ‘ALS’ and I know you know what that means- American Language of Signs. Good thing I took all those classes at Intern Camp, they’re going to come in really handy now, right? Anyway, I think it’s probably to do with translating things for people._

_04:22_

_What else… ok, so it also says ‘Gain valuable skills and experience, while making  network connections in the fields of procurement, distribution and blackmail.’ Network Connections! I was just writing in my diary the other day how much I wanted to work in a community settings. I’m definitely pro cures and against tribulations! As for blackmail, well, I’ve always thought that people of all backgrounds should have the same access to a reliable postal system._

_07:0014_

_The last thing it says is ‘Applicants must be prepared to work nights and should be proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel and Powerpoint.’. I think I can manage all that. I don’t sleep a lot, as i’m sure you’ll remember. And I’m great with words! I must have used at least….sixty? I’m going to say sixty- so far just talking to you! Excel? Well, why wouldn’t they want someone who would only try their very best? And Power point? I got solid A-’s in school for that. And in Poking. and Disconcerting Stroking. Gee, I should really write some of that down for my resume…_

_45:2011GGGG_

_I can’t wait to demonstrate my skills._

_445: 111LC∫~∆˚¬…^ø©\≈¬  
_

_I can’t wait to tell you more. …Can you hear me?_

_Ç◊ıˆ ˘  
_

_(The sound of distant waves. Despondency.)_

_あ０１；んｖ_

_Hello?_

[End of Transcript.]

* * *

 


	2. Entries 05 - 07

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Two - In which Kevin has a job interview and has to take a test

* * *

**Found Documents 01**

* * *

 

* * *

 

**Hacked Correspondence 01**

* * *

Email Chain Taken from Salt-Corrupted Laptop. Approximate Transition Dates Unknown. 

_____________

To: Mr. CC LLC

From: Kevin the Best Employee :)

Dear Sir, 

Hi! My name’s Kevin. I was introduced to your vacancy by a member of your staff and I hope to be invited for an interview for this position. Please find attached my resume. I hope you’ll consider me for an Internship. I think your company looks really interesting and I really like people. I like your logo too. Some kind of penguin, right? How cute. I drew one for you.  

Kind regards,

Kevin. :) 

_____________

 

From: [consultingcriminalsllc](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/119242499826)

 

To: Kevin

 

Kevin,

Your resume is certainly the most…creative…that we received. Sebastian mentioned your natural gift for surveillance and ease around weapons (and pie baking). We’d like to invite you for an interview. The Towers on Bishop Ave at 9am.

Head of Resources,

CC LLC

 

_______________

 

From: [kevintheintern](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/post/119265112108/consultingcriminalsllc-kevintheintern)

To: Mr. Head Future Boss Sir

 

Oh wow! Yes please! Should I bring anything? I’ll just bring everything. 

 

* * *

**Diary Entry 05**

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_This is going to have to be a quick note today. I’m super busy preparing for- guess what? My first job interview!_

_I think i’m ready. I’ve got my best outfit on- you know, the smart mustardy-yellow leather jacket with the snazzy plaid collar that says ‘I’m serious business- but fun!’, my good-luck shirt and, as I have a hunch there’s going to be a practical element, i’ve opted to re-invent my Boy Scout shorts as business shorts. Very. Fashionable._

_Plus the pockets are super handy._

_I’ve also got my backpack with my radio things in it; some weather reports, a handy snack. Some cute pictures of multinational captains of industry, and of course, my own mascot penguin to show my brand loyalty._

_Wish me luck!_

 

* * *

  **Diary Entry 06**

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Well! I am so, so impressed with this company and this potential job offer. I went there to meet the CEO and of course, Sebastian Moran, you know, my neighbour and I have to say, diary, we just clicked._

_It was so perfect._

_[And their headquarters. Can you say, Swanky? ](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theguardian.com%2Fsociety%2F2014%2Fjan%2F31%2Finside-london-billionaires-row-derelict-mansions-hampstead&t=YmY3NThjY2NmYzI3NDdmNWU0NDNlNTEyMzM0NTAzMDJlY2UwNWQ2ZixUVGJOTGxXSw%3D%3D&b=t%3A6z_PbcWEuAk9QvtvolmtVQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fkevintheintern.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F119309059730%2Fdiary-entry-06&m=1) _

_And so colourful- damp fauns and bright dust colours, and deepest browns, and  the walls- ugh, to DIE FOR. Wallpapered, but like, tastefully. Not all over. In patches. They’d left some of the original plasterwork to show through and someone had clearly put a lot of effort, diary, into cultivating all that plantlife I saw growing there._

_You’ve just got to admire eco-freindly thinking in companies these days._ _And like, I’m a huge advocate of organic decoration. Or biological. Or chemical._

_I’m actually not that fussy. Just, y’know, not magnolia because I get hay fever._

_They even had a pool and I mean, ok there was no water, but it’s still a feature, diary. Not all offices can boast having a pool. I’ve taken some pictures and pasted them in the back._

_Anyway, I got to meet Mr. Jim the CEO and he was so super cheerful and friendly. He has the most perfect smile and guess what, diary, I think he really liked me too. How awesome is that? I think we’re going to be real friends. And he was definitely checking out my business shorts._

_See? Fashionable._

_I should make him some too; i bet he would really appreciate that. He likes West Wood, so I’m thinking with his other love of topical moulds I could make him something from say… turf? Something cooling for hot weather._

_Oh right, I nearly forgot. So there was a practical element to the interview. They gave me an address of a client who is struggling with like… his dealership business- maybe… cars? Coca cola? He imports and sells stuff anyway- and they want me to go over there as their representative and just help chivvy him up a bit. Get the old juices flowing and help speed up production so he can pay his bills and not end up losing an arm and a leg, ha ha._

_I’m going to head over there right now- long day, huh!- and see what i can do to pitch in and help the poor guy out._

_Oh my gosh, this is going to be so much fun!_

_Until later, diary. Until later._

 

* * *

**Diary Entry 07**

* * *

 

_Dear Diary,_

_So I missed an entry. Sorry about that- I was just so busy yesterday with my interview. Let me fill you in on what happened._

_So, after I met Mr. Jim and Sebastian and their gorgeous house, I went straight off to the client’s flat to get a start on the practical part of my interview. You could tell this poor guy was down on his luck right away just by going through the garbage outside of his house. I mean- wasteful! He had thrown out some perfectly good potato peelings, not to mention a number of decorative bones, and do you know what else I found, diary?_

_Slightly damp tissues and receipts._

_I mean whaaaaaattttt!_

_I can only imagine they got in there by mistake because who does that?! So that, I decided was my first task- to tidy all that up for him. I started up a time sheet too, in the back of this notebook so I could show Mr. Jim how good I am at time management and also personal invoicing._

_The client wasn’t in so I let myself in through his admittedly rather charming skylight, and ggggeeeeeeeeeez what a slob. I returned all his receipts though, in time order and so he would be able to find them easily and not worry when he realised he’d thrown them out, I taped them to his kitchen cupboards. I also added photographs of all the shops, just in case he forgot which was which._

_I gave his whole apartment a good sprucing up! and I mean whole apartment. I improved the colour scheme- drawing inspiration from Mr. Jim- and just to show how much we appreciate his loyalty I painted him a mural of my best penguin, using only the best, organic paints. Oh how I wish I could have seen his face when he found it on the inside of his wardrobe._

_What else? Oh yeah! He had nothing in the fridge worth mentioning so i cleaned it out for him and left him a healthy wholesome selection of soft meats, delicates, and wheat-based produce._

_Also to prove that I definitely hadn’t given him anything he might have some annoying nasty allergy to, i left his medical records right there with them to show that we at CCL care._

_Oh and his photographs- he had blue-eye in almost every single snap so I scanned them in onto powerpoint and fixed those right up for him._

_Most importantly though, I found his adorable free range pet mice and as an added little bit of customer service, I’ve added discrete tubing to the insides of all of his walls so those sweet little critters can scamper around without having to worry about nails, say, or not being able to find anywhere to raise their adorable babies._

_Then I left, via the skylight, and left the keys there so no one else would casually borrow them and spoil the surprise. Neighbours, am I right?_

_I’m still waiting to hear back from Mr. Jim about whether I’ve got the job or not for good, but you know diary, I feel confident!_

_I feel… deserving._

_Goodnight, Diary. Goodnight!_

* * *

  **Found Documents 02**

* * *

 

****

* * *

 


	3. Hacked Correspondence 02 - 05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3: In which Kevin Starts His New Job

* * *

**Hacked Correspondence 02 - CCLLC Internal Message Board**

* * *

[ ](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/image/119474480203)

Consulting Criminals LLC would like to welcome our newest team member [kevintheintern](http://tmblr.co/mHQwpevRwO9d5xm70hVNpFQ)! Kevin showed a unique creativity that will serve him well in criminal enterprise, and we look forward to his contributions to the team.

 

[ ](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/119452986146)

[consultingcriminalsllc](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/119452986146)

 

 OhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygod!!!!!!

[ ](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/post/119474480203/consultingcriminalsllc-consulting-criminals-llc)

[kevintheintern](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/post/119474480203/consultingcriminalsllc-consulting-criminals-llc)

* * *

**Hacked Correspondence 03 - Email Chain Lifted from Wax Cylinders found in Crypt of St. Mary's of Basildon**

* * *

 

To: Kevin  
From: S Moran  
Subject: SH Research

The boss was impressed with your interview. Time to really get to work. Put together a dossier on Sherlock Holmes and leave it at the drop point listed in the contact file for ‘The Cabbie.’

-Seb 

[ ](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/119619047585)

[consultingcriminalsllc](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/119619047585)

 _____________

To: Mr. Seb  
From: Kevin :)  
Subject: Re: SH Research

Dossier. Right! Ooooh, research! I’ll get started right away! 

-Kevin :)

[ ](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/post/119632954688/consultingcriminalsllc-to-kevin-from-s-moran)

[kevintheintern](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/post/119632954688/consultingcriminalsllc-to-kevin-from-s-moran)

* * *

**Found Document 03**

* * *

 [ ](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/image/119635998323)

 

* * *

**Found scribbles 01 - Flagstone in Regents Park**

* * *

 

_Ha! Mr. Seb thinks this is going to take me all day but luckily, I already had this prepared. That’s what the best Interns do, you know, they get a head. Hopefully this is what they want. I can’t believe they want this guy as a client though- what a rude and lazy pooper._

_His grandmother (?) is lovely though. But not very business-minded._

_Now to go and drop this off!_

_-Kevin._

* * *

**Hacked Correspondence 04 - Email Chain. Delivered by Courier to the Langham.**

* * *

To: Kevin  
From: S Moran

The Cabbie called about the dossier. I’ll give you a template next time. Please don’t take tea from targets while you’re on surveillance. And…did you leave a box of fingernails on my desk??

 

[ ](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/119676398331)

[consultingcriminalsllc](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/119676398331)

________________

To: Mr. Seb  
From: Kevin

I didn’t take the tea, I’m more of a coffee sort of guy, but I did take the leftover iced bun. I’m sorry. 

Yes, but I’m afraid it’s not a full box. 

-Kevin :) 

[ ](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/post/119691361678/consultingcriminalsllc-kevintheintern-ha)

[kevintheintern](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/post/119691361678/consultingcriminalsllc-kevintheintern-ha)

______________

To: Kevin  
From: S Moran  
Subject: Payment drop off

Transfer £5,000 from the main account to “Hope Trust.” Then take the attached photo labeled Jennifer Wilson to the Cabbie drop point.

-Seb

[ ](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/119910428431)

[consultingcriminalsllc](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/119910428431)

 _____________________

 

To: Mr. Seb  
From: Kevin :)  
Subject: Re: Payment drop off

Aww, is this for charity? …This doesn’t look like it’s for charity. Oh! Ohhh, ok. No problem, Mr. Seb. I’ll get on these invoices right away. 

-Kevin

PS: VAT is 20% over here right? I'm thinking of adding like 25%. 

[ ](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/post/119924868588/consultingcriminalsllc-to-kevin-from-s-moran)

[kevintheintern](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/post/119924868588/consultingcriminalsllc-to-kevin-from-s-moran)

_______________

To Kevin

From S Moran  
Subject: Re: Payment drop off

No, Kevin that is NOT £5000 plus VAT. We don’t do VAT. He doesn’t need an invoice.

-Seb.

[ ](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/119910428431)

[consultingcriminalsllc](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/119910428431)

_____________________

To: Kevin  
From: S Moran  
Subject: Open house

Go to the attached address at Leinster Gardens and make sure the flat is clean and ready for presentation.

-Seb

[ ](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/120089436206)

[consultingcriminalsllc](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/120089436206)

 

To: Mr Seb  
From: Kevin :)  
Subject: Re: Open house

This is such a pretty part of town! I’ve redone the walls and cleaned the floors; the balloons and streamers are all set up with the CC CLL banner with a penguin, but like… is there any budget for catering? Or… music? Volleyball nets? 

-Kevin.

[  ](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/post/120093061763/consultingcriminalsllc-to-kevin-from-s-moran)

 

[kevintheintern](https://kevintheintern.tumblr.com/post/120093061763/consultingcriminalsllc-to-kevin-from-s-moran)

* * *

**Hacked Correspondence 05 - Recovered from Oxfam.**

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To: Kevin  
From: S Moran  
Subject: Bad Cabbie- URGENT

Go back to Leinster Gardens. Hope’s left a pink bag somewhere round there. Find it and bring it back to the office. Quick as you can.

-Seb

[ ](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/120089436206)

[consultingcriminalsllc](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/120089436206)

__________

To: Kevin  
From: S Moran  
Subject: Re: Bad Cabbie- URGENT

BAG. AN ACTUAL BAG LIKE A SUITCASE TAKE THE BODY BACK RIGHT NOW AND PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT!!!

-Seb

[ ](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/120089436206)

[consultingcriminalsllc](http://consultingcriminalsllc.tumblr.com/post/120089436206)

 


	4. Hacked Correspondence 06 - Hacked Document 02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which CC LLC start to wonder about their new employee and Kevin enjoys some literary endeavours.

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**Hacked Correspondence 06**

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_Moran-_

_Found this on Kevin’s hard drive. Should we be concerned?  
_

_-O_

**Tech Support  
Consulting Criminals LLC**

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**Hacked Document 01**

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**MORIARTY** Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz we’re the bad guyz) 2 my bf (ew not in that way) cakepopsforeveryone an this ded bird 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling and English English. U rok! Tumblr ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2!  ROX! ROCKS. Rocks. Dirt. The suffocating dirt. The dirt was in my keyboard and making it hard to type. I just cleaned it, so we should be ok now!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hi my name is Kevin KEVIN KeVin Nivek *unholy screams*  and I am not tall nor am i short. I am not fat. I am not thin. I am not handsome but I am not ugly. I have hair. It is neither long nor short.  I have eyes. My eyes are set in my face and they are… a lot of people tell me ‘oh God, those eyes’ (AN: I think they find them striking). I’m not related to… anyone really, but I wish I was because wow, it’d be really cool to have a family to rely on and work together with.  I’m probably not a vampire. I haven’t actually checked but y’know, most people would agree that vampires live in castles on top of mountains and, as we all know, mountains do not exist. My teeth are…. excellent for smiling! (AN: People tend to say ‘Oh GOD, that smile!’ I think I have a good smile.) I have skin. I have enough skin. I have skin all over my body and it’s doing a great job of keeping me tidy. I would not object to more skin. Skin can be highly decorative. I’m also an intern! and I go to a wonderful company called Consulting Criminals LLC in England where I’m the intern. The only intern. Other interns will not be tolerated; that would imply that I’m not being efficient at my job and I am _always. efficient._  I’m a person (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly things. I love shops and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a shirt over my skin which was not to thick or warm but not too thin and chilly because, you know, that darn British weather; I wore shoes with matching feet inside them and a hat with a head underneath it; A tie, with the traditional penguin logo tie pin which I made myself from sticky-back plastic, sculpty clay and a penguin, and finally, tubes of fabric for my legs. I don’t know what those are called over here in England. Chaps, possibly? I was wearing a smile, my brightest smile, and, just for funsies- black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. (AN: I love stories. You can be so wacky if you want to be!) I was walking outside the office. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about because bad weather keeps people inside, working, where they are supposed to be. A lot of people stared at me. I waved at them. 

“Hey Kevin!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Sebastian Moran! (AN: oh my god, Hi! Everyone say hi to Sebastian. He’s such a great guy. Such a good co-worker.)

“Well good morning, Sebastian. Did you have another job for me?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly, watching me smile. 

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me!

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**Hacked Correspondence 07**

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_Moran-  
_

_Found more of it. What the fuck is this? Has he actually written a manual?  
_

_-O_

**Tech Support  
Consulting Criminals LLC**

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**Hacked Document 02**

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**Chapter 2**

The next day I woke up in my office. It was storming outside with dust and light showers of animals. I opened the door of my desk and drank something from a bottle marked ‘drink me’, which I didn’t remember being there, but I guess was probably left for me by my Boss, Mr. Jim because he is super kind to his employees like that. My desk is custom made with a sleeping bag, a rotisserie and literally every kind of pencil, soft deer-skin seating and tastefully arranged wheat byproducts on the top. 

I got out of my desk and took off the suit that I wear for sleeping and put on my other suit that I wear for working in. It has extra sleeves for when I need to roll up my sleeves after I’ve already rolled up my sleeves to be extra, EXTRA productive. Also it has sunglasses, which Mr. Moran said really looked good on me and hid my eyes. I think he likes me. 

My friend, the CCLLC Interns Manual (AN: I wrote it myself), jumped out of it’s desk drawer and wiggled into it’s meat binding. 

“Omg, I saw you talking to Moran yesterday,” it said excitedly.

“Yes, I try to speak to all of my coworkers?” I said, smiling.

“Do you like Moran?” it asked as we went out of my office and into the staff lounge. (AN: I don’t actually have an office but honestly, those storage cupboards are really underused and this way I can do a double shift as night security)

“I like all my coworkers, and we all know Mr. Jim LOVES his staff, especially Mr. Moran, and I want to be like Mr. Jim in every way possible, so yes.”

Just then, Mr. Moran walked up to me.

“Kevin,” he said.

“Good morning!” I replied, cheerily.

“Guess what,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, there’s going to be a nation wide conference on productivity this evening.”

“Oh My Smiling God!!!” I screamed. I love conferences! They’re my favourite work related activity, besides making staff announcements over the intercom.

“Well…….. do you want to go?” he asked.

I gasped.

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**Author's Note:**

> (1) Image created and thieved from the Consulting Criminals LLC Tumblr, which was complicit and the cause of this madness.


End file.
